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Pel?

[It's a couple seconds delayed, as he had to find the crystal in the first place.]

What is it? Are you alright?

I'm fine. Just...wondering something. [She hesitates.] Have you felt...maybe, since leaving the clan, as though you don't--

[She's going to phrase it differently so it doesn't sound like she's attacking him.]

I've left the clan. And people still call me Pel Ashara, and I don't...always feel as though I deserve it anymore. I've no right to it. Is that a feeling you have sometimes?

[There is a very dead silence on the other end for a long moment.]

I - To be honest, I haven't really thought about it. [It's a quiet admittance.]

I didn't know you'd left the clan-- [He trailed off, there.]

I haven't made a fuss over it. Some people know, some don't.

Oh.

[There's a long, long pause.]

... I... Why?

So I can continue my work as a scholar. Past the Inquisition. This is what I want to do.

[There's another very long pause, and then some weird scuffling noises as Gavin gets up and moves somewhere else - then a little bit of wind.]

Pel - [There's a hitch in his voice, he is obviously really carefully considering his words.]

So you're just - leaving. That's it. You didn't even tell all of us, you just... [Nope, not the right words. Try again.]

For years, you let me know just how badly I had betrayed the clan. Every time I came home. I don't understand.

It wasn't because you left the clan. It was because you left me. And it was wrong.

[Remembering it brings a stinging heat to her face.]

I was horrible to you. I thought feeling hurt meant I could hurt you back. But I couldn't...back then, I couldn't imagine anything that was more important than someone's duty to their clan. I was raised to think that way. And then Keeper Deheune said I didn't have to come back, when I left for Skyhold. And I saw how important this work is. Because nobody's going to uncover our history for us, Gavin. When humans do it, they keep it to themselves.

I didn't tell you because I'm...so, so ashamed. And after how I've been to you, I thought you'd be better off if I just...stopped giving myself the chance to hurt you.

I'm so sorry, Gavin.

Edited 2016-05-22 20:37 (UTC)

[There's a long silence from the other end - distant and processing. There was a time where he would immediately apologize back to her, apologize for upsetting her, tell her that it was all his fault, really, somehow.

But he had spent a lot of time to himself, the last few weeks. And he'd given everything he had to help someone else. So for once, he doesn't try to take the blame from her. For once, he actually listens.

Then, after a long time, he speaks.]

She said you didn't have to come back?

[Focusing on the important bits, here.]

Who - who will be the first? Sorrel?

Sorrel. And he'll do well. And it'll free up a place for another mage as Second, so they don't have to be hidden away or left behind.

.... Right. [His voice is still quiet. He is... having a hard time processing this.]

Pel, I... Are you really sure about this?

[There's a moderate pause.]

Most of the time.

Can't you work on research, and still stay with the clan?

How, Gavin? You know what our days are like. I can't...I can't be doing my chores, then helping around the camp, then...every moment was full, during my days with the clan. Maybe you didn't see that. It's just how it is, as First. I could never have two major life callings. And if I go back, even if I'm not First, or Second, it's what my body will try to do anyway. Give my time to everyone else. I would never have time or resources to read and write and travel. And it's the human cities that have the libraries anyway.

Right. [There's a longer pause. Sure, she apologized, but it's really hard hearing this from her, after everything.]

Well I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want to do, Pel. I'm the last person who would do that.

It's not...it's not just what I want to do, Gavin. You see that, right? Recovering our history, really recovering it. It would help all the People of the world, not just Ashara. This is important.

[She somehow can't bear to think that a single member of her clan will resent her for this. It could mean she is wrong to leave.]

Pel, I'll be completely honest with you. Our history, until this point - we just use it as a way to keep the world separate. I don't see how that would change. All it does it pull up old grudges and old hatreds.

Our history was the first thing destroyed by both Tevinter and Orlais. Because it makes us seem like people. If we reclaim it, in the face of the world, they won't be able to deny we're people anymore.

[He feels too uncomfortable to argue about it, so he just makes a small non-commital noise.]

So you're not actually doing this for yourself. You're doing it for everyone else, just like you would be if you were going to stay the First. Is that about it?

[There's a long pause. Because that stings, and it makes her angry. That he's using this, her calling, the thing she loves, to hurt her. And can she blame him? She used to hurt him the same way.]

Don't say we're going to be friends and then say things like that, Gavin.

I just - I don't understand. If you want to do it, for you, then say that, Pel. Don't - don't make it sound like a sacrifice, when it's not. If it's what you want, I can respect that. If it will make you happy, that's all that matters.

If you're doing it for everyone else, and not yourself... then it's not really any better.

[That's what he means. He wants to make sure she's happy. Did he know, before she knew? She knew she'd been made to never consider herself, only others, but had he been the first to know it was wrong?

She takes a deep breath, in and out.]

Yes. I want this. I love it. I love it so much, it doesn't feel like work at all. Like a...challenging game, really. I just...never could justify anything just because I loved it. Deheune was never satisfied if I said I wanted it. It always had to be for somebody else. I had to...learn how to ask for something I wanted by saying it would benefit someone else. It's a Keeper's life.

Then I wish you all the luck I can, Pel. And I hope you never lose your love of it.

[Is that a good enough reason to want something? Wanting it? The next breath she releases shakes.]

Thank you. That means more than I can...thank you.

It's alright. [There's a small pause.] I'm a bit... shocked, I'll admit, but I'm... proud of you.

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